Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar . . . a quote mis-attributed to Freud and often used to challenge the suggestion that there’s a deeper meaning to something. Yet as a retired psychologist, I can’t help but be intrigued when business advisor friends and exit planning colleagues pick my brain about clients who get them stirred up. Mental health professionals know that our conscious (and unconscious) reactions to patients inform our work with them, giving us clues about their struggles and about our own blind spots. For example, if I found myself feeling bored throughout a session with a patient, upon reflection it was usually because they were avoiding discussing something essential to their progress, which signaled to me (if I wasn’t too sleepy to pay attention) that I needed to be asking different and better questions.
I don’t mean to suggest that business advisors treat their client encounters as therapy sessions. However, I do believe that how we respond to clients offers useful data that, if examined, can potentially help us to be more effective. To that end, here are five common reactions you may have to a client, and subsequent questions to ask yourself.
|
Advisor Reaction |
Ask yourself |
| I feel confused about what this client wants; they’re sending mixed messages. |
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| I feel hesitant to say something or bring up a topic. |
|
| This client is too demanding. |
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| I feel like I’m working significantly harder than my client, and they need to step up. |
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| This client is being incredibly unrealistic. |
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As you read those five reactions in the left-hand column, you probably found yourself thinking about simple, obvious ways to account for all of them. After all, a cigar is just a cigar and as one of my professors once advised me, “when you hear hoofbeats, think horses – not zebras.” There will always be clients who push your buttons – they would push anybody’s – and you may already know how to handle yourself in those situations.
That said, there is merit in self-examination, especially when you’re puzzled – either by how you’re feeling or how your client is acting. Keep an open mind and stay curious as to what your reaction might reveal about both of you and watch for patterns. For example, long ago you may have figured out that you have a strong need to please your clients. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but over time you may discover that this can leave you feeling disappointed when a client isn’t delighted with your work. You might even notice that this initiates a cycle; when your disappointment saps your enthusiasm, your clients are even less likely to be delighted.
This type of self-reflection isn’t always easy, but the insights you develop will be valuable in your work. Feel free to reach out if you would like some additional guidance.
Copyright 2025 Larry Gard, Ph.D. Done With Work Retirement Coaching and Consulting All Rights Reserved
